I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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