sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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