her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
