the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
