My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
