You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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