i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
