you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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