i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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