I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
