He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
