after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dick very happy bro
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize