Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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