if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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