Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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