We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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