I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
