So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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