Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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