Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
