I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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