i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
