omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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