I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
sick fucks of a feather flock together
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He shit in the fireplace
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
