A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
