who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
