its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
