The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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