good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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