1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
