DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
