I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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