Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
