In America we eat man semen.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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