yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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