god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
