I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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