i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
