Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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