4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
