Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
