my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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