Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
