I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
