I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
