Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize