I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
