my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
