I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
