Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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