Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
