I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
