Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
