You smell like a Billy Joel song
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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