i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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