I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
