last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
