Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
