Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
