is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
